It is a tricky situation returning to work after a huge loss because at work, life 'goes on'. As your entire world is crumbling and falling apart, everyone else's world is continuing as they always have, regardless of what's happened to you. It's hard to join them in that world when you feel so empty.

It's hard picking up the phone and telling your manager what happened. Neither of you expected to have this conversation. Neither of you really know what to say on the spot. Most managers are empathetic and should ask how you are, what you need and how they can help.

Tips for informing your manager:

1. The 'How are you?' conversation: Be honest with yourself and your manager. Having a manager who understands that you might not be on top form  can be helpful and supportive. Be open and say something like "Today, I'm going to manage x, y and z and if I don't manage it, I'll come back and start again tomorrow". Sometimes people can't support you in the way you need to be supported if you're not being honest with how you are feeling. The environment does need to be safe for you to be honest. It's individual people, such as managers and colleagues, who make a difference and create a safe environment
2. Let your manager know how things have changed: You've experienced a huge loss and life looks different now. Perhaps you're having to manage legal bereavement admin tasks or maybe you're experiencing the mental or physical effects of grief. Try and keep your manager in the loop - it'll help them support you
3. The returning to work conversation: When you're ready to return, speak to your manager about any adjustments you need. In the early days, grief can be all-encompassing, making it hard to focus. Be clear about what you need. This could be a phased return, reduced hours, more working at home days or other flexi-working options. How could they help you manage your workload? Your manager might feel helpless as they can't 'fix it'. The more specific you are with your asks, the more likely your manager is to say yes, because they'll feel like they are helping you on a practical level.
4. The 'How do we tell the team?' conversation: Chat with your manager about how to share with your colleagues what happened. There's no right or wrong way to do this. Communicating to colleagues via email, or face-to-face, a clear message as to what has happened, with an open invitation to ask any questions and tell them not to ignore the subject, could be helpful. People do care but often people at work don't know how to show they care. Being clear and open yourself often prompts colleagues to approach you to offer support.
5. Inform your manager how they can help you: Tell them about any outstanding commitments - for example arranging a funeral or dealing with the hospital - which mean taking time out of work. You might want to share important or meaningful dates, for example birthdays, anniversaries, Father's Day, Mother's Day, etc. Can you work from home on these days? You should share any physical or mental effects of grief, for example anxiety, PTSD or insomnia. These physical impacts are very common when you're grieving and may affect work; sharing them will enable your manager to support you.
6. Remember, managers are employees too: Most managers want to provide a supportive environment for you to return to work, although some may not know how to do this. Some might be scared to say the wrong thing, so will avoid conversations around baby loss. This can feel isolating. You might find if you bring the topic up first and are open in your language, then your manager may feel that it's okay to bring it up because you've already made the first move.

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About the author

Harley Cunningham

The information on this page has been authored by Harley Cunningham, who experienced the heartbreaking loss of her two-year-old twin son, James, to bronchopneumonia in 2021.

When Harley returned to work, she realised there was a significant lack of support for bereaved employees.

Determined to make a positive impact, she shared her story and developed a new bereavement support strategy to help others in similar situations to ensure that employee needs are met with compassionate and effective support. She now works with the HR team to bridge the gap between employee needs and company support.

We asked Harley to reflect on her own experience and share her tips and recommendations for returning to work after the loss of a baby or babies. You can reach out to contact her by email.