Dealing with grief is complex. It's important to consider self-care and how you look after yourself during a tough time. Remind yourself to look after your body and make healthy choices. You might not feel like looking after yourself when you are grief-stricken and that's when you'll need all your strength. It makes sense to take care of ourselves, but we often neglect to do so.
You need to experiment with what helps you. If you set yourself the type of self-care that works for your best friend rather than you, you'll end up frustrated. Social media can make us feel that only doing yoga balanced at the top of mountain will do. Listen to what feels right for you and that might mean yoga, but it might occasionally mean pizza in front of your favourite comedy.
Self-care ideas
- Do your best to eat a balanced diet.
- Get plenty of sleep.
- Drink more water and fewer caffeinated drinks.
- Get outside and look up, not at your feet.
- Move! Physical activity can displace anxiety.
- Try some breath work: get comfortable, close your eyes and breathe in deeply. Make your out-breath very deliberate and longer than your in-breath. Repeat seven times.
- Notice the good moments and write them down.
- Write a list of five of your good qualities and refer to it if you feel self-criticism creeping in.
- If you are religious, draw on your faith and religious community to bring you comfort.
Creative ideas
- Write a journal, record events, but also let your feelings flow.
- Try free writing: write down your thoughts raw and unfiltered.
- Write the story of your baby or babies: begin with when you found out you were pregnant. Include conversations you had and plans you made.
- Create a collage or piece of artwork to remember your baby or babies.
- Catch your feelings in a poem.
- Write a letter to your future self or your baby or babies. Don't worry about the finished article, or if you're not artistic. Getting your thoughts down on paper can be very cathartic.
Connecting with people who have time to listen
Search out people who have time to listen. This might be family and friends, but you may find that you get more of the right kind of listening further afield - by connecting to people who have had similar experiences. Consider joining one of Twins Trust's online peer support communities.
The tradition of not telling people you are pregnant until after the 12-week scan doesn't always help the bereaved. It could mean that you lose a baby or babies before people know you're pregnant. If you're pregnant again after a loss, consider if there might be people you want to tell earlier, so they can support you. But equally, think about if you find updating people upsetting or if friends checking in with you feels unsettling. As ever, it comes down to what's right for you.
Find out more about dealing with grief in our Navigating Grief: Coping with loss in multiple births booklet.